Free Will

My horoscope this week is incredibly unhelpful. I love Rob Brezsny’s “Free Will Astrology.” Rather than telling me how my week is going to go his philosophy is more about recognizing the free will of individuals. His book is call “Pronoia: How the World is Conspiring to Shower You With Blessings” or something like that. It’s the antidote to paranoia and in the convoluted political and corporate world in which we live, it’s rather essential.

This week, however, his stout advice to me is about waging the inner battle of the self vs the Self rather than venturing out into the world. What? But I’ve been doing just that for three years and now I’m ready to take it out into the world. Hmm. Rob Breszny, just what are you and the stars trying to tell me?

I find myself continually going back to the word “gentleness” that I decided to bring into this transition for me. My entire way of life is utterly changed. I can use all the gentleness I can get! And I know that the fellow shoppers at the grocery store aren’t going to be the ones to give it to me in their speedy haste to grab items for their family’s dinner. The tiny shop aisles, the scores of carts full of organic brown rice pasta and imported mangoes, the shop clerks sliding along to re-fill vacant shelves – it’s all a little much for someone whose only task for the procurement of food the last three years has been to get down to the dining room in the half hour allotted slot. Wait, you mean after I get home with all these goods I have to cook them up myself? *And* clean the kitchen afterwards?! Hoo boy! Ok Rob, I can see the merit to you suggesting I focus on my inner reserves.

Then that word gentleness comes floating into my conscious again. I could be watching the kittens playing or gazing over the vast expanse of mountain views, watching the hint of green spread upwards in elevation on the deciduous trees with each passing day. Then from somewhere comes this reminder: Guenevere, be gentle with yourself. I have these memories of myself being strong and capable, tapping into inner strength that propels me forward in all sorts of difficult circumstances. OK, maybe memories isn’t exactly the right word to use. It was only a couple of weeks ago I was tackling difficult software and organizational problems and navigating through interpersonal relations with ease. A lot has happened since then – I’ve moved out of the Ashram. Gentleness, Guenevere, gentleness.

So I look at how I can retain my focus on myself while living out here in the world. How I can wage that inner battle through it all. It rests in awareness and having the freedom to be able to step back for a greater perspective. It’s not an awareness that I hold in every single moment. It’s like a dolphin, occasionally emerging to the surface of the water for air. I nestle down into life, into the waters of it all, and I come back up to breathe and take stock.

Like a creature, propelling itself through the ocean deep I can navigate through with serenity. Gentleness comes when I allow myself to be exactly how I am, and to know I have my ideals to aspire to whether I am waging an inner battle, engaging in the world, or doing a healthy mix of both.

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